Painful realization

As most of you know, Brian had a vasectomy right before Molly was born. I, at the time, was in total agreement. However, things change; thoughts change; feelings change.

In my heart, I desire to be the mommy to a little boy. I really thought that desire would just quietly die down, but it hasn't and it doesn't look like it will any time soon.

Brian and I have gone back and forth numerous times over a vasectomy reversal. He has even visited a local doctor about it and done a phone consultation with a urologist in the Dallas area.

After holding David and Aspen's baby girl, Anna, the desire came back stronger than ever. I really sat down and did some figuring and budgeting to see if a new baby was feasible. What I found was kind of disturbing. Wal-Mart gets a lot of our money every month....too much! I was reading the figures off to my mom and she told me that it didn't sound too much to her. Anyway, what I discovered was that we could afford another baby (with the costs of the reversal), but that if we had another baby we couldn't afford to live the lifestyle we live currently.

Well, the more I got to thinking about it, the less the possibility seemed, well, a possibility. Did I really want to give this or that up? Did I really want to quit vacationing? Did I really want to not be able to bring my girls to see new places? Was I just being selfish? What if the baby was another girl....would I be disappointed?

The painful realization hit on our trip to New Orleans. Mary Claire was so excited to be going somewhere and doing new things that I was so excited to see things through her eyes. I knew with another baby that weekend trips like that would be put off for at least another two years, or at least be extremely stressful. I know some people would say to leave the baby with my parents or something, but I'm a believer in doing things as a family.

So, for now, I pray for contentment; contentment of my heart that I will forever be a "girl mommy" and that I will never have a son.