Regrets

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately....a lot of late-night thinking because I don't have much other time to do it.

I'm wondering a lot of things, but the one thing I wonder the most about is this...Did I make the right career decision?

From the time I was a little girl, all I desired to be was a housewife and mommy. That's all I wanted. I wanted a house full of children - five to be exact. (I think that was because my grandmother had five...who knows!) As I got older and viewed the world a little more realistically, I wanted four. And I specifically wanted two boys and two girls....you know, the best of both worlds. Plus, with two boys and two girls everyone has at least one brother and one sister (think about it).

Well, fast forward to about high school when I realized that I wasn't "hot" enough to find me a hot, rich guy. I knew that my brains far surpassed my beauty (which, don't get me wrong, is not a bad thing! - especially if my girls read this one day). I then decided that I needed a decent career that would be enough to support myself. I also thought that I would be a single mother, either through artificial insemination from a "bank" or through adoption. It was then that I decided I wanted to do something medical, but not dealing with or having to touch people. Pharmacy it was. And then I met Brian on Myspace and became the mommy of Mary Claire and Molly.

Growing up, both of my parents worked Monday through Friday jobs. We got to spend time with both of them every evening and for two days in a row on the weekends. Well, pharmacy doesn't allow that. At least my pharmacist job doesn't allow that. And with Brian working in law enforcement, his job doesn't allow that. How sad is it that our girls don't get to spend time with both their Mommy and Daddy at the same time? Are we hurting them with this?

I'm thinking I need to start looking for a Monday through Friday job. It's impossible for me to be a stay-at-home mommy (and I think I'd go a little crazy!). I've been praying that Brian would be able to be promoted to something with better hours, but I guess that wasn't, or hasn't been, God's plan for us. I know I could have applied for the Clinical Manager position, but I don't want that. I'm not a leader or a boss. I like my job as staff pharmacist and would love to be able to do it with just different hours.

Anyway, back to my late-night thinking. If Brian and I did have Monday through Friday jobs, would I have been able to have the four children I wanted? I think so. And that is what makes me question my career decision. I just don't know anymore!

But, what would I do? Teach? I don't know if I'm cut out for that. I'm really thinking I wish I had gone the accountant route. Isn't it a shame how our world these days are full of what-ifs?