Friends

After I was telling Brian about the blog I wrote about him, his comment was that he thought this was Mary Claire's blog. And while 95% of it is, I still like to vent, appreciate, share, gloat, etc. on here. This post is going to be a combination of seeking answers and venting all at the same time.


I feel friendless. I don't know why. Don't get me wrong, I know I have many people who care for me and about me - mainly my family. But other than them, I don't really have "friends." I don't have anyone to call to brag about Mary Claire, or to question about Mary Claire, or to go shopping with, or just call on the phone to talk, or someone to call and check on me. I feel alone. I have many people I work with to talk to and share with, but outside of my co-workers and my family, I have no one special.


Is this just something that happens as one ages? I don't know. I'm still trying to figure it out. When I returned home from college and started working, I had absolutely no one. My friends from high school were no where around and I just wasn't meeting people like I had hoped. I then bought my first house that I just loved, but I can't begin to count the number of times I cried myself to sleep, or would be laying out by my pool crying because I had no one to talk to or lean on or share my happiness or sadness with.


I then met a girl I will call Samantha. Samantha and I became really good friends. We had a lot of the same morals and values, and we were just two good people. Samantha had a boyfriend she had been dating for about a year and a half. I never minded going out places with both of them because they always made me feel welcome. Well, then I met Brian, and started spending my time with him getting to know him and my days with Samantha just kept dwindling down to us just never talking anymore. Well, then Brian and I decided to get married. I knew this would kill my already diminishing friendship with Samantha. You see, Samantha was a young still-in-college girl of 20 and marriage to her boyfriend was one of her top priorities. I was a 27 year old college graduate with my own house and career, and marriage was just my next step. I still vividly remember my phone call - a dreaded one at that - to Samantha to tell her the news of my upcoming wedding. I told her that Brian and I would be getting married on the beach in Hawaii in September. Her response, "But you've only known him a few months. [My boyfriend] and I have been dating for over a year. And I won't even get to be at the wedding??" So how supportive is that for a friend?? Needless to say, our friendship continued on its deteriorating path.


So, after that, I haven't really had a friend. My husband and my mom are the two best friends I could ask for; however, it would be nice to have someone, you know? My husband has guys from work he can go play golf with, while I have no one to go shopping with or bring our kids to the park together. I would just like a friend, you know?


I know this is sounding like I'm looking for some pity, but I really only want to connect with some women close to my age and most possibly with a child or children. And even that will be difficult for me. With both Brian and myself working shift work, life gets tough. Every other weekend has to be reserved for work, and so our days off during the week are "normal" people's working days.



So, you may ask, where does this have anything to do with Mary Claire? I want my daughter to have so much self-confidence she shines. I want her to be out-going and friendly. I don't want her to suffer from a poor self-image like I have. I want her to know how beautiful and amazing she is. I want to offer her every opportunity to build herself up into this rounded person I desire her to be.



As I sit here at work typing this trying to contain my tears, I just can't. I want so much for my daughter that it is not even funny. And I plan on doing everything in my power to get her to where she belongs.

Also, this has me thinking about the timing of our next baby. I would love to have a baby soon because I think it would be so awesome for Mary Claire and Baby to be close in age. They would always have each other. I think it would be so sweet for Mary Claire to have a baby sister. But who's to say the next one would be a girl, right? The only person that knows that, that even knows if I will have another baby is God! Brian and I have agreed to have at least one more baby and I want two more, so I'm still working on that last one! We will wait a few more months to start trying for another baby as I would like Mary Claire to be pretty steadily mobile when I am big pregnant and also give my body time to heal from Mary Claire's c-section.

I am debating publishing this post because it just puts me out there emotionally. I've been feeling pretty down lately and have come to this conclusion. So I will publish it; maybe it will do me some good. It is nice to have an outlet for my feelings, even if only a handful of people will read it.

In closing, I just want to thank God for the people who do care about me. I want to thank Him for my life and for the lives of my family. I want to thank Him for blessing me with a wonderful and beautiful baby girl - she is the highlight of my life and she keeps me going.