Anxiety

Okay, so I realized last night that I go back to work in a week! I cried all night long thinking about this, and the same thing is happening today as I sit and watch my beautiful baby girl smile and laugh in her sleep. Next Monday is going to be one of the hardest days of my life I think. I'm sitting here thinking of all I'm going to miss.....all the smiles, the yawns, the cute little noises she makes when she yawns (which I am sure will annoy me when she is 10 or 11 and doing them on purpose!), the cries and being the one to fulfill those needs, the smell of her, the playtime, the feedings, those big blue eyes, those tiny and perfect fingers, just EVERYTHING!

I know I'm definitely not the first mom to have to do this nor will I be the last, but I honestly never knew it would be this damn hard. I have been contemplating if I want to go back to working 12 hour shifts or just the 8 hour ones, and right now I think I've decided I want to stick with the 8 hour ones. I know with the 12 hour shifts I would get a whole extra day off in the week, but I would lose 4 hours with Mary Claire each day that I work 12 hours! I'm just not ready for that yet. I know we are bonded because I can tell she knows me, but I think it is just too early. Maybe when she gets a little older I will feel comfortable with working the 12 hour shifts.

I love this little girl more than I could have ever imagined, and I only want to do what is best for her. I know it is not feasible in any way for me to stay home, but it would be awesome! I would have to get into a better routine as far as keeping the house clean and cooking for my husband, but I could definitely do it! I remember when I was young being asked what I wanted to be when I grew up and my answer was always that I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. I did buy some Powerball tickets Saturday, but no such luck there! I just have to keep plugging along....dreams do come true.....proof: I met and married my wonderful husband and together we have a beautiful baby girl!